I'm starting to get really worried about my mom.
Worried like I don't know where she's at.
This pandemic is bad.
Am I allowed, am I rude if I am starting to form hate, anger towards those inconsiderate people?
This month is so far has been the toughest for me. I have no idea what's ahead. If it's tough now, must I embrace the worst is yet to come? If it's a chart, is it doing down soon?
There was a moment I woke one morning this month and I couldn't explain how I was feeling inside. Hopeless, I think. Or drowning.
Then there's this last Saturday, I woke up feeling at my lowest low. I HAVE NOT FELT LIKE THAT EVER IN MY LIFE.
I am not in speaking terms with my friends. I do not talk to friends. I don't want to talk to my friends.
One Wednesday afternoon, also this month, I couldn't help myself but burst into tears because I was hearing my landlady's voice singing outside the apartment. I hated hearing at that very moment. It was close to the same feeling I had the day I decided I will break-up with my ex-boyfriend. This time my anxiousness is at an all time high, I had to not hear anyone's voice -- let alone singing.
I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about my dad.
They're old.
I was re-watching Suits again and there's this episode where Mike grandmother died. It wasn't helping.
My coffee mug. I just have one. I accidentally broke it.
Picking up the broken pieces. The shock that I felt when it fell to the floor. When I was trying to catch it and lost my control then it fell from the table.
It made me feel my head is a mess. That was two Fridays ago.
Before I go to bed, I look at the fish in the aquarium outside the apartment. I tapped the glass sometimes to get the fish's attention.
Two Saturday nights ago, I saw the fish struggling to swim and keep afloat. I knew with the looks of it, the fish will be dead by morning.
I decided to not get up early so it's not me who'll see it dead in the aquarium. Maybe if I wake up late, they'd already clean it up.
I got up 10:30, I took a glimpse of the aquarium. The oxygen is still running. The fish is dead in the corner.
It didn't fucking help.
Next month is my birthday, I don't know what drama will come my way. I've been ready from the day I was born. I'm ready annually.
Oh.. and there was ants in the apartment two or three weeks ago. The ants problem type of ants.