Hello.
Is it safe here?
I can voice out my inner feelings and no one would know? Judge? State their opinion? Either to support or listen? Pretend to care?
It is mostly about me. Although I am very much aware everyone's struggling right now. It's the reason why I do not want to burden anyone else about my feelings. Forget feelings. I don't want to burden anyone about what I am really going through right now.
These are not just in my head. These are facts.
I may be at my lowest point at the moment. It sounds soft. It doesn't sound alarming at all.
The problem is I don't want to give a hint of what I am carry right now out of fear that others have it harder. You know when they say, "Lots of children in Africa are starving to death." If I say, I am not in Africa. I would sound arrogant, ungrateful, and selfish bastard.
It is why it's important to not compare other people's struggles with another.
If try my mind to see it this way, I also try to think that even Paris Hilton has her own struggles.
Everyone has their own struggles in life. Yours or mine is bigger or smaller than another person.
Am I freewriting now? I do hope so. Where are my thoughts going to take me? I don't know. That I am certain. Like my future, I don't know where I'll end up.
It is at times like this when it is very true no one can tell what the future looks like. Not even Trump. Oh god, help him.
Businesses are shutting down. People are laid off. Ahem! I can only just give hints. I couldn't make a bullet points and directly dump my problems one by one. Maybe I should try that.
I feel trapped. I feel trapped but not in a way I am trapped in a job. Or am I feeling trapped because the furthest place I've been to was BGC since the lockdowns started?
Let me dive more deeply into my feelings, is it physically feeling trapped? I am trying, but I cannot pinpoint and make an answer.
If I am in some place else then, would that make me happy?
I've been looking at apartments in Berlin. Oh my god, all I saw was such grandiose, sleek, modern apartments. They have balcony and bathtubs. Yes, I am shallow. Those things are nice to have. But would that make me happy?
In Coursera I found a course The Science of Well-Being by Yale University. I browsed the lectures and one or two are about Misconceptions About Happiness and Things That Will Make Us Happy (But Don't) — money and job. OK, nice apartment was not there, so maybe Berlin apartment will make me happy perhaps!
I'm sure it won't.
Am I alone in that apartment?
Am I working on a highly paying, highly stressful job?
Depends on the situation.
What's happiness then? I feel like if there's happiness, sadness should exist as well. Be stoic then. Close!
I've only learned a few Buddhism principles. Specifically, attachment. Nope, not that attachment theory, that for another blog post! Or maybe I can squeeze it in here as well? Let's see later.
Attachment causes suffering.
No attachment no suffering.
But do not mistake detachment is happiness.
If people have perception of happiness, then sadness has to have a part as well.
If people's source of happiness is something they attached to. Then once that attachment detached, it'll lead to suffering or.. sadness.
If someone makes you happy, then one day that someone is gone. It'll make you unhappy. Or sad.
If getting a car or a house would make you happy, then while you haven't have it, you're suffering to get it.
My point is.. I don't have any. I want to divert my or your attention to skip talking or writing down what I am feeling.
This is bad. The more I write about non-sense and not my feelings, the more I am feeling a little okay.
I want to let it all out. OK, alcohol then!
Nope. Last night, before going to bed I drunk a few shots of soju. It is strawberry flavored. Its taste is much tolerable than plain soju.
I woke up this morning with slight headache and I was like, "Where did this headache come from?" A few minutes more and I realized it was the soju.
When I was in college I have this thought or fear of becoming an alcoholic. Yet I don't drink. I despise the taste of alcoholic drinks. I get drunk very easily and get sleepy.
Every day is the same. I have not felt this during the first few days, or weeks since the lockdown. But oh my god, holy moly, fucking shit!
Every morning I wake up and my imagination would hit fast-forward to seeing me back in my bed at night just to sleep back agaid. I'd watch 2PM becomes 4PM then 6PM that becomes 8PM. Of course it's how it's supposed to be. Man, I am a Truman show!
I don't want to admit and accept that this whole lockdown might be affecting me mentally.
Did Truman cry in the movie? I can't remember exactly. I am crying 2-3 times a week on average since March.
Am I crying because of the lockdown or because of someone something else?
Yesterday I cried, the loud ugly type of cry. I am so very really tired.
My blog doesn't know but I am pursuing a career in UX Design.
I suddenly have this thought of, "my portfolio has to have case studies, those case studies have to be back up by research, then I have to prove I can make visually appealing designs as well, because recruiters are more drawn to elegant looking UIs, but also I need to code since I am in a wrong pond or job market here are looking for 3-in-1 candidate who can design, do research, write microcopy perhaps to make me competitive, then also can code."
By the way, that's only the portfolio part. Cover letter must be customized to stand out. Then my resume. My jobstreet. My Linkedin profile - about me, headline, certifications, etc. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.
Do I learn principles of design first or should I be sending out my applications now but my portfolio isn't as ready as I think it is.
Why is this a concern? I lost my job in June. I was told by the end of May that we will be laid off by the end of June due to the effect of Corona virus.
That's one of three or four major problems that I currently have right now.
(to be cont.)