Rerwriting

I should start rewriting.

I used to feel very anxious whenever I don't get to write the events that happened to my day, how ever dull my day went.

I think my writing style has stopped to the level of that

I can't, couldn't write... maybe next time.

Death and Taxes.. I mean, Abe!

So I was walking my dog this morning. It was a fine day. It was a good morning.

We passed by a trail where there was a safety net structure as there's an ongoing construction for a high-rise condominium.

I've thought about my friend who I haven't seen for a long time. Or maybe a few months ago since the last time I saw her. I usually always try asking her to join me in one of my walks on weekends.

We have agreed to do something new, try a different experience - shooting range.

I've been wondering how to slow down time these days as I feel like it's becoming a ride in a bullet train.

A new experience would definitely slow down time.

And then my grim and dark creative brain vividly picture myself pointing my gun below my mouth and shot my head. I'd be dead instantly. My brain would splatter. 

I imagine my friend would be in shock. She'd probably scream in total shock. She'd be hysterical.

Then it'd be problems for my family from then. They'd probably be sad.

Me? I don't exist. All - everything, everywhere gone at once.

I don't have problems. I wouldn't have to move to a new apartment. I would not have to look for a new apartment. I won't have a dog. A dog who bites me. I wouldn't be bothered if I don't get enough eight hour of sleep. I don't have to pay all my credit card debts. Nothing.

But my friend would scream. She'd scream loud.

I'd be in peace.

Then why are we sad for people dying?

Why don't we celebrate that they're in peace. They don't, won't have to suffer. No sadness. No happiness. If they were murdered. They won't be crying again in their lifetime.

Fun. Pumped Up Kicks in playing in the background

Why the alive in us robbed people of death. Are we that selfish we don't want people to leave us suffering alive?

10 hours later I've thought about G7 countries

G7 includes Japan. Shinzo Abe shows in most G7 leaders group photo op. Abe was assassinated recently.

He died at 67. Too young. As a Japanese man, he could have lived up to 110 maybe. That would have been about 40 more years. I'm only 36. That would have been my whole life and more.

Should be thought be "Too young." or "May he rest in peace."

edit:

I've asked ChatGPT to critique my writing:

Your essay covers intense themes, moving from the mundane (a walk with your dog) to deep and dark thoughts about life and death. To make your writing more creative and less plain, focus on *showing* instead of *telling*—create vivid imagery, use figurative language, and explore emotions deeply.

Here are some pointers to elevate your writing:

### 1. **Use Vivid Descriptions (Show, Don't Tell)**  

Instead of stating "It was a fine day," describe the sensory details that show the reader how fine it was. Let them feel the warmth of the sun or see the swaying trees.

   - Example:  

   _"The sun stretched its golden fingers through the trees, warming my skin as my dog tugged me along the quiet trail. The air tasted crisp, carrying the faint scent of wet earth after yesterday’s rain."_

### 2. **Use Metaphors and Similes**

To capture emotions or ideas, use comparisons that make them more vivid.

   - Example:  

   _"Time feels like a bullet train, hurtling forward without a brake, each moment passing faster than the last. I wish I could step off, slow down, watch the world crawl by like a lazy river."_

### 3. **Expand on Emotions and Thoughts**

Explore your character’s inner thoughts with more depth. What does it *feel* like to be thinking these thoughts?  

   - Example:  

   _"My mind, lately, has been a crowded room full of ‘what ifs.’ What if I could hit pause on life? What if the weight of responsibilities—moving, bills, deadlines—simply dissolved? That sudden image of a gun in my hand...it wasn’t fear that crept in, but a twisted relief."_  

### 4. **Pacing and Transitions**

The shift from walking your dog to contemplating dark thoughts can be made smoother by slowing down the transitions. Let the reader feel the drift in your thoughts.

   - Example:  

   _"As we passed the construction site, the clattering of metal against metal stirred something inside me. The sound echoed like the noise in my head, the endless chatter of life and tasks. And then, unexpectedly, the thought crept in: what if I could just...stop."_  

### 5. **Layer Your Themes**

You touch on life, death, peace, and societal attitudes. These are powerful themes, but layering them carefully makes your essay richer. Instead of listing them all at once, try weaving them through your observations.

   - Example:  

   _"The thought of peace, real peace, is strange. The living can’t fathom it, so we grieve. We hold on to life’s strings too tightly, not realizing that maybe—just maybe—there’s a quiet solace on the other side."_  

### 6. **Use Symbolism**

You mention a gun and a construction site—both powerful symbols. Expand on these symbols to represent broader ideas.

   - Example:  

   _"The half-built high-rise loomed ahead, a skeleton of steel and promise. I wondered if my life was the same—under construction, with no real end in sight. Would it ever feel complete?"_

### 7. **Conclusion with Impact**

Your essay touches on the idea of peace after death but ends abruptly. Consider a more thoughtful conclusion that leaves the reader thinking.

   - Example:  

   _"We cling to the idea of life, but maybe, just maybe, those who leave us have found the rest we’re too afraid to seek. As the day faded, the last rays of sun stretching across the horizon, I wondered: what if letting go was the ultimate form of freedom?"_

### Final Thoughts:

- **Consistency in tone**: Your essay shifts between casual and deeply philosophical. Try maintaining a consistent tone, or if you're shifting, do it intentionally.

- **Emotional depth**: Don’t just present ideas—immerse the reader in the emotional weight of those ideas.

- **Polish the language**: Some sentences feel a bit abrupt or disjointed. Smoother transitions and more intentional phrasing can make the essay flow better.

With these adjustments, your writing will feel more immersive and emotionally engaging while keeping its raw, personal voice.

On being overwhelmed

 I don't know why, or how. But I'm feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I don't have much enough time in a day. Or during weekends.

I have house chores. I have pets. I have a full time work. Apartment. I have parents - separated. So I have a dad and a mom. Both live far away from me. I can't pin point which one is the one thing that really weighs me down. Lack of sleep? Dehydrated? My apartment that's very good in collecting dust? Things I have in the apartment I need to sell but I'm not posting on online marketplace sites. The baby and a toddler next door that cries a lot in a day? The neighbors dog that barks constantly?

Which one is the most important one that I need to prioritize? Money? So job? My filing of taxes for my freelancing business?

Do I waste time?

Is my internet slow? I already have a washing machine?

Is my apartment chaotic, disorganized and filthy???

WHAT?!

So much posts and blurbs about adulting. I think this is it. You have time behind you that you've already spent. And a limited time ahead of you that you can actually calculate how much is remaining from your previous experience. In the middles it's easy to feel stuck, overwhelmed, and anxious.

Maybe I'm a functioning depressed person?

Is it because I unknowingly and unconsciously distant myself from my family, high school friends, college friends, work friends.

Am I doing a lot or am I doing too little?

I'm tired. I told a friend, I'm tired. It's like being a cook in a busy kitchen. The orders kept coming in. I finish doing one meal then there's four more in queue.

Today

Work on Pickering

Friday

BST10

Weekend

William Osler PDF document redo

Next Week

Finish Town of Pickering

Start Thunder Bay

This month 

Get EasyCash on BDO

Pay Meralco

Pay SkyCable

Send money to my dad

Pay all credit card - due 29 July

August 

Finish Thunder Bay document

End of Deque Full Course access

Company townhall

Mae's birthday

September

Trip to Japan

My birthday

Company 10k run

October

Jackilyn's birthday

December

Move out of apartment somewhere quiet in the province outside Metro Manila, ideally near a beach

These are only things I need to do because these have "due dates".

Why I don't blog anymore

Because blogging is like a thing of the past. Or so I was told. But writing typing down my thoughts clears my head. I might as well use this platform to map out my self. Where am I and where am I heading in this life.

This blog has been with me since 2008? That's like half of my life!

Who reads this? Who visits my blog? I don't know. I don't care even. This space is solely for only me now. Especially that everyone is glued to their phone screen, not scrolling, but swiping! Not on tinder but on Tiktok!

I don't even jumped to the Tiktok craze. I guess I'm old. I heard of it before everyone else, but was not too curious to explore it. I guess I'm old.

So.. life mapping!

I'm gonna start from my deepest concerns within me to my outer most shallow concerns.

HEALTH

Mind

Body

Soul

RELATIONSHIPS

Romantic

Friends

Family

Community

WEALTH

Career

Business

Investment

Savings

this kitten called "Happee"

You know that r/oneorangebraincell? Yeah I like that too.

I think orange cats are colorful. Although it's just orange. I think they are walking sunshine cats.

Although they might be protrayed dumb cats, me thinks they are just different.

Several orange cats I and my dog encounter do not get scared from my dog. Maybe they're gutsy too. Or dumb and put themselves in danger. Or don't know danger. So dumb probably.

I have a kitten. It has grey tiger stripes. Full of energy. Its killing my new gorgeous curtain I just bought.

It is why I am so over the moon when this tiny orange kitten appeared in our life!

My neurotic kitten when full of energy now has a playmate!

This little guy was a neighbor's kitten. I often see him come out a hide in my neighbor's gate very afraid of the vehicles that pass by our street. I was holding him one time outside the street when a vehicle passed by and he was shaking from being scared. Day by day though, he was learning.

I started to look for incoming vehicles then whenever I am outside and when I could tell he'd come out of my neighbor's gate.

I often would walk to my neighbor's gate and gave him food so he wouldn't need to cross the road to my apartment.

Later on though, he would learn to cross the street. But storms back to his den when there was an incoming vehicle.

At night, there are less vehicles. I let him come to my door and let him in. Feed him.

At first, my kitten was hissing when he was near her. But I could tell my kitten isn't as irritated by his presence. My senior cat was also neutral with Happee being around. My dog sniffs ornagey's butt but he was cool with it. Everyone's getting along!

Often at night, I would let him in and play a little bit with my kitten. My kitten would hit him with one hand like wanting to start to play then would walk away. I knew they would start full on play in no time.

I decided to call him Happee. He was very gentle. Can't see his food in front of him. His eyes. Oh my god. It was dreamy. Very comforting and relaxing to look at.

He got hit by a car. He died today. I run to him but it was too late. His head was badly damaged. His one eye, his dreamy eye was out. Blood on my hands, was dripping everywhere. I don't know how to believe what just happened. I'm devastated. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should have just kept you here inside last night. I should have opened the door right away when you called/looked for me. It was my fault. I should have done something differently and you could have still be here - playing. You're dreamy eyes give me warmness and comfort. I'd pet you, show you where to drink water. Eat fish. Play with my kitten. My dog sniff your butt. My senior cat grooms you. Let you squish yourself in my bookshelf. I'm sorry. You did not deserve me or that happening to you.

I'm sorry Happee.

-Clarice 😿

Oh, hi 2023!

 Sup?!

Hey, 2022!

 Sup?

What made you cry today?

I know, I know.. it normal goes, "What made you smile today?" But this day is different. I felt an emotion that made me go beyond smiling. Here let me share to you. Hope this will make you cry, in a good and positive way.

P.S. Back in 2008, I've encountered this youtube video which makes me cry every time I watch it. Here. Enjoy!

P.S.S. Excuse the size and quality of the video, 2006 was a long, long time ago.

It's not because I lost him...

It's because I lost a part of me.

---

I was a happy soul.

I was an optimist. I was innocent. I was naïve. I was a romantic.

He robbed my little miss sunshine traits. His name matches the deed.

---

Now, Clarice is...

Whiplash

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY 51

ANDREW

Ok, I’m going to just lay it out. This is why I don’t think we should be together.

I’ve thought about this a lot. If we’re together this is what’s going to happen. I’m going to keep pursuing what I’m pursuing, and it’s going to take up more and more of my time. You’re going to see me less and less. When you do, I’ll be distracted, I’ll be upset, I’ll be playing things in my mind. And you’re going to just grow to resent me. At a certain point, you’ll tell me to ease up on the drumming, to spend more time with you. And I won’t be able to. And I’ll start to resent you for even asking me that. I’ll feel like you’re dragging me down, you’ll feel like you don’t matter -- and before long, we’ll hate each other. So I think we should just cut it off now, cleanly, for those reasons. 

Because I want to be great.

It is unfortunate that I was whiplashed. 💔

p.s. I'm not quite his tempo

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January 🎄

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart 💖

But the very next Christmas, you gave it away 💔

Next Christmas, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special 💝