Why I don't blog anymore

Because blogging is like a thing of the past. Or so I was told. But writing typing down my thoughts clears my head. I might as well use this platform to map out my self. Where am I and where am I heading in this life.

This blog has been with me since 2008? That's like half of my life!

Who reads this? Who visits my blog? I don't know. I don't care even. This space is solely for only me now. Especially that everyone is glued to their phone screen, not scrolling, but swiping! Not on tinder but on Tiktok!

I don't even jumped to the Tiktok craze. I guess I'm old. I heard of it before everyone else, but was not too curious to explore it. I guess I'm old.

So.. life mapping!

I'm gonna start from my deepest concerns within me to my outer most shallow concerns.

HEALTH

Mind

Body

Soul

RELATIONSHIPS

Romantic

Friends

Family

Community

WEALTH

Career

Business

Investment

Savings

this kitten called "Happee"

You know that r/oneorangebraincell? Yeah I like that too.

I think orange cats are colorful. Although it's just orange. I think they are walking sunshine cats.

Although they might be protrayed dumb cats, me thinks they are just different.

Several orange cats I and my dog encounter do not get scared from my dog. Maybe they're gutsy too. Or dumb and put themselves in danger. Or don't know danger. So dumb probably.

I have a kitten. It has grey tiger stripes. Full of energy. Its killing my new gorgeous curtain I just bought.

It is why I am so over the moon when this tiny orange kitten appeared in our life!

My neurotic kitten when full of energy now has a playmate!

This little guy was a neighbor's kitten. I often see him come out a hide in my neighbor's gate very afraid of the vehicles that pass by our street. I was holding him one time outside the street when a vehicle passed by and he was shaking from being scared. Day by day though, he was learning.

I started to look for incoming vehicles then whenever I am outside and when I could tell he'd come out of my neighbor's gate.

I often would walk to my neighbor's gate and gave him food so he wouldn't need to cross the road to my apartment.

Later on though, he would learn to cross the street. But storms back to his den when there was an incoming vehicle.

At night, there are less vehicles. I let him come to my door and let him in. Feed him.

At first, my kitten was hissing when he was near her. But I could tell my kitten isn't as irritated by his presence. My senior cat was also neutral with Happee being around. My dog sniffs ornagey's butt but he was cool with it. Everyone's getting along!

Often at night, I would let him in and play a little bit with my kitten. My kitten would hit him with one hand like wanting to start to play then would walk away. I knew they would start full on play in no time.

I decided to call him Happee. He was very gentle. Can't see his food in front of him. His eyes. Oh my god. It was dreamy. Very comforting and relaxing to look at.

He got hit by a car. He died today. I run to him but it was too late. His head was badly damaged. His one eye, his dreamy eye was out. Blood on my hands, was dripping everywhere. I don't know how to believe what just happened. I'm devastated. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should have just kept you here inside last night. I should have opened the door right away when you called/looked for me. It was my fault. I should have done something differently and you could have still be here - playing. You're dreamy eyes give me warmness and comfort. I'd pet you, show you where to drink water. Eat fish. Play with my kitten. My dog sniff your butt. My senior cat grooms you. Let you squish yourself in my bookshelf. I'm sorry. You did not deserve me or that happening to you.

I'm sorry Happee.

-Clarice 😿

Oh, hi 2023!

 Sup?!

Hey, 2022!

 Sup?

What made you cry today?

I know, I know.. it normal goes, "What made you smile today?" But this day is different. I felt an emotion that made me go beyond smiling. Here let me share to you. Hope this will make you cry, in a good and positive way.

P.S. Back in 2008, I've encountered this youtube video which makes me cry every time I watch it. Here. Enjoy!

P.S.S. Excuse the size and quality of the video, 2006 was a long, long time ago.

It's not because I lost him...

It's because I lost a part of me.

---

I was a happy soul.

I was an optimist. I was innocent. I was naïve. I was a romantic.

He robbed my little miss sunshine traits. His name matches the deed.

---

Now, Clarice is...

Whiplash

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY 51

ANDREW

Ok, I’m going to just lay it out. This is why I don’t think we should be together.

I’ve thought about this a lot. If we’re together this is what’s going to happen. I’m going to keep pursuing what I’m pursuing, and it’s going to take up more and more of my time. You’re going to see me less and less. When you do, I’ll be distracted, I’ll be upset, I’ll be playing things in my mind. And you’re going to just grow to resent me. At a certain point, you’ll tell me to ease up on the drumming, to spend more time with you. And I won’t be able to. And I’ll start to resent you for even asking me that. I’ll feel like you’re dragging me down, you’ll feel like you don’t matter -- and before long, we’ll hate each other. So I think we should just cut it off now, cleanly, for those reasons. 

Because I want to be great.

It is unfortunate that I was whiplashed. 💔

p.s. I'm not quite his tempo

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January 🎄

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart 💖

But the very next Christmas, you gave it away 💔

Next Christmas, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special 💝

Deep In The Abyss

Some people say words with no consideration of its weight. When I said, "I don't want to lose you in the abyss." I mean it.

When you replied with, "I don’t want to lose you in the abyss, and if I would I’d go after you." I don't feel like you mean it.

:(

Wake me up when September ends.

What's going wrong in your life that you need to talk about, but have nobody or nowhere else to do it so? from r/AskReddit

My 32nd birthday is coming up.

For someone like me, lots of dramas come around when my birthday is around the corner. Who the fuck invented birthdays?! I remember the first time I celebrated my birthday in school. I was about five. It was one of the first days when my parents separated. I remember I had to pretend everything is normal, I should act normal, happy because it was my birthday. But I was aware that my father isn't living with us anymore. He moved out. I have never ever told this story of my life to anyone before. I just let it slide whenever it emerges from where I've hidden it. In the morning of that day, I was getting ready for school. I was dressed up, wearing my P.E. uniform and my dad picked me and my brother up at home. Later that day, my mom came to school, brought the food for the whole class to celebrate my birthday. I did not cry that day. I pretended all is good.

My birthday's on Friday.

My parents are old.

Usually, I don't know where my mother is. I have a clue or an idea. Mostly likely she's with her siblings. I'm extra worried where she's at right now due to the pandemic. Also, I miss my mom lately. She's weird, odd, a little crazy but I can tell her anything. She'd get mad. Then, it'll end until she's just not anymore. The other day, I received a random message from one of my cousins asking me how my mother is doing. I DON'T KNOW. It worried me even more because it means my mom is not with them.

My father is six years older than my mother. He's seventy. Born in 1950.

Currently living in my hometown alone.

Recently, the present number of COVID-19 cases in my hometown increased. From zero to twenty, I think, as of yesterday. The municipality implemented stricter measures. One of those are senior citizens (60 year olds up) are not allowed to go out in public. They weren't given a special schedule when they can go out to run errands or buy necessities. They can't go out. Period.

I live in the city. One hundred twelve kilometres away from my hometown.

I don't know who to go home.

I woke suddenly in the middle of my sleep last night. I touched my neck and specifically felt the lumps I discovered maybe half a year ago. I never touch it when I'm conscious during the day. I ignore it. I don't want to think about it. I had Thyroidectomy in 2017. I'm very sensitive of what's going on in my neck.

I don't have health card right now. I can't afford to get sick.

Because I don't have a job.

I was laid off from my job only after 4 months because of the pandemic.

Now guess what, my previous job before that is now haunting me. Big time.

Another one that's been haunting me for months now, I feel that I got ghosted. Or being ghosted. It's very painful.

Happy Birthday to me.

P.S. There's hope. I'm not losing hope.

2meirl4meirl

I'm starting to get really worried about my mom.

Worried like I don't know where she's at.

This pandemic is bad.

Am I allowed, am I rude if I am starting to form hate, anger towards those inconsiderate people?

This month is so far has been the toughest for me. I have no idea what's ahead. If it's tough now, must I embrace the worst is yet to come? If it's a chart, is it doing down soon?

There was a moment I woke one morning this month and I couldn't explain how I was feeling inside. Hopeless, I think. Or drowning.

Then there's this last Saturday, I woke up feeling at my lowest low. I HAVE NOT FELT LIKE THAT EVER IN MY LIFE.

I am not in speaking terms with my friends. I do not talk to friends. I don't want to talk to my friends.

One Wednesday afternoon, also this month, I couldn't help myself but burst into tears because I was hearing my landlady's voice singing outside the apartment. I hated hearing at that very moment. It was close to the same feeling I had the day I decided I will break-up with my ex-boyfriend. This time my anxiousness is at an all time high, I had to not hear anyone's voice -- let alone singing.

I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about my dad.

They're old.

I was re-watching Suits again and there's this episode where Mike grandmother died. It wasn't helping.

My coffee mug. I just have one. I accidentally broke it.

Picking up the broken pieces. The shock that I felt when it fell to the floor. When I was trying to catch it and lost my control then it fell from the table.

It made me feel my head is a mess. That was two Fridays ago.

Before I go to bed, I look at the fish in the aquarium outside the apartment. I tapped the glass sometimes to get the fish's attention.

Two Saturday nights ago, I saw the fish struggling to swim and keep afloat. I knew with the looks of it, the fish will be dead by morning.

I decided to not get up early so it's not me who'll see it dead in the aquarium. Maybe if I wake up late, they'd already clean it up.

I got up 10:30, I took a glimpse of the aquarium. The oxygen is still running. The fish is dead in the corner.

It didn't fucking help.

Next month is my birthday, I don't know what drama will come my way. I've been ready from the day I was born. I'm ready annually.

Oh.. and there was ants in the apartment two or three weeks ago. The ants problem type of ants.